Leila's jokes

- Chosen by our readers


New jokes are added at the end, please read them.
-1-

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
-2-

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
-3-
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
-4-
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
-5-
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
-6-
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
-7-
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
-8-
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
-9-
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
-10-
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of theother.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes outof the mouth.
-11-
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
-12-
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
-13-

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but thesun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it". ?
-14-
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking whenpeople are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
-15-
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
-16-
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called currentaffairs. ?
-17-

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman". ?
-18-
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performancerepeated".
-19-

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stoppedhim, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
-20-
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers beforeeating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
-21-
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine outof ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I'vetreated. The others all died".
-22-
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
-23-

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father'sCherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
-24-
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day he brought a sign that read, "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
-25-
Wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love with a beautiful, sexy young lady!
- "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
- Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"
The husband begins to tell his story . . .
- While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . .
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:
- "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
-26-
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia.
" Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.
" Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead.
" Mujibar said, "The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green' and I pinkit up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
" ... Mujibar now works at Telstra, perhaps you have spoken to him?
-27-
General Michel Aoun and Samir Geagea went to Deir Assalib (mental hospital) after finishing their political duties.
The psychologist asked Geagea: "Who do you think you are?
"The answer came: "I'm Jesus, as simple as that"...
Then the psychologist asked Aoun: "Who do you think you are?".
Aoun answered with his usual tough tone: "First..let me tell you one thing... he's not my son and I don't know him".
-28-

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be
done.Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the (......) map again."
-29-
Jen's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike, he's noisy but he won't actually bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Jen's flat the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching him go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
-30-
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
**
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
**
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
**
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
**
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**
Roses are red, violets are blue,
ugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
**
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
**
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
**
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
**
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
**
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
**
-31-
Mateship between Women
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at agirlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Mateship between Men
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a mate's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
-32-
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good- byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
- "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
- "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist"...
-33-
HE. " can I buy you a drink? "
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "
-34-
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
-35-
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!
-36-
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
-37-
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
-38-
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
-39-
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
-40-
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
-41-
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
-42-
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
-43-
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
-44-
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
-45-
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
-46-
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
-47-
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
-48-
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
-49-
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry there are no services today.
-50-
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
-51-
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
-52-
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . . You wear pants don't you?
-53-
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
-54-
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
-55-
On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband followsme everywhere"
Written just below it . .. . " I do not"
-56-
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for thefuture?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
-57-
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
-58-
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
-59-
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll oftoilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
-60-
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
-61-
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
-62-
An elderly Lebanese man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite sweet, freshly baked ma3moul, wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite ma3moul. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Lebanese wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous scent of the fresh ma3moul was already teasing his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a warm ma3moul at the edge of the table, when suddenly -- WHHAACCKK!! -- His hand was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife......
Ma ted'arhon hawde lil ' aaza: (Don’t touch them. I’m preparing them for your funeral).
-63-
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?
"She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
-64-
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," said the doctor. "Your finger is broken."

-65-

A high school teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hand if they are Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Roosters fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears, "Mary, why are you a Roosters fan?"

"Because my mum & dad are from Bondi, & my mum is a Roosters fan, And my dad is a Roosters fan, so I'm a Roosters fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone," that's no reason for you to be a Roosters fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, And your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, I'd be a Bulldogs fan." he he...

-66-

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

-67-

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened>>to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here ..."

-68-

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing>golf!"

-69-

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

-70-

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home, "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!"

-71-

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too.

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

-72-

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied:>"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

-73-

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, "his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

-74-

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was
going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He
replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not
spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

-75-

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said,"No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

-76-

blonde calls her boyfriend and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "what is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then he turns to her & says, "first of all, no matter what we do, we're not goint to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand & says, "second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and then...." he sighed, "let's put all the cornflakes back in the box.

-77-

A man checked into a hotel.

There was a computer in his room,

So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mailaddress, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....

somewhere in Houston, a widow had justreturned home from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've reached

Date: 1 April 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for yourarrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.s: It is damn hot down here!!

-78-

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic school.
Usually, she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her classA little later the nun asked Mary Margaret," Who is our Lord and Saviour?"But Mary didn't stir from her slumber once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.The nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

-79-

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

-80-

A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?

"He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married".

"Oh .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?

"The man shakes his head..."Nah. They're all at the funeral".

-81-

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive..................

So I took her to a petrol station !!!!!!!

-82-

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"
-83-
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

-84-

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

-85-

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

-86-

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

-87-

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman-

-already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-

-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him."

I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

-88-

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."

Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks."

No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment."

Where's my toast?"

-89-

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

-90-

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

-91-

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor.

"What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

-92-

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'

"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

-93-

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis

**

-94-

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

-95-

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
-96-

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
-97-
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the Floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
-98-
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
-99-

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
-100-

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we Didn't
Have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
-101-
TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
-102-

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right.... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
-103-

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
Tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
Didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand?
-104-
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before Eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
-105-
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
Your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher. It's the same dog.
-106-
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking When
People are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

-107-

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

-108-

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

-109-

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."

-110-

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, aPolice Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

He thinks to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two inthe front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should knowthat driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to otherdrivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limitexactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bitproudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in thiscar OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peepthis whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

-111-
Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar - If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?
-112-

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote: Yes!
-113-

ON A ROMANTIC DATE SARDARS GIRL FRIEND ASKS HIM, "DARLING ON OUR ENGAGEMENT WILL U GIVE ME A RING?" HE SAYS "YA SURE WHATS YOUR PHONE NUMBER"
-114-

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
-115-

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
-116-

WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT EMERGENCY?
THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.
-117-

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
-118

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
-119-

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
-120-

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept: Musharraf : Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
-121-

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million
Pakistanis!"
-122-

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: "Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man.
Oh, what are you then?" The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog".

-123-

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were firstmarried, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now youtake the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

-124-

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that herbody hurtwherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, thenshe touchedher elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee with her finger andscreamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no," she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

**

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